James Pitt-Payne's Midi Website

Dear All

The zips for July I have uploaded but I'm damned if I know where they are or how to get at them.

James :-)

When words fail you and emotions run havoc, flowers are your best friends. Whatever be it that you wish to say, the flowers convey it for you, mutely, gently and refreshingly. The flower power has always been considered mighty, with its ability to change situations and bring harmony. A forgotten anniversary, a belated birthday wish, a much needed apology or inability to attend an occasion, the flowers convey it best.
Gifting flowers have been an age old way of saying all this and more. Flower delivery services have found a global audience. These companies offer loads of services to the customers besides delivering flowers. The flowers are usually sent overnight but can also be delivered on the same day, if specified. The companies also offer many customized gift baskets and hampers, decorative plants and other gift items. Flower delivery is now possible, online. One can order any type of flowers at the click of buttons. The flowers are delivered overnight or they can be delivered on the same day, if specified.
The service of a florist is highly resourceful with lots of information, posted on websites. They not just offer discounts but also reliable and on time delivery. Flower Delivery Ottawa is a website supported florist where one can place orders online, without any hassles. The flower arrangements can be chosen from the catalogue of the florists, comprising of many designer arrangements. You can also customize the arrangements to suit your distinct tastes. The customers can be assured of a same day delivery of fresh and exotic flowers, at your doorsteps!

All files posted by me since 1st July 2010 are not available and this is because this site was hacked on or around this date.

So - if you want to follow my output you should go to this url:

http://launch.groups.yahoo.com/group/RagtimeTreasures/

Where files are uploaded every day.

When things have been corrected here I will continue to download here, The jokes section still works fine though.

James Pitt-Payne

Old Mr Cohen brings his son into the business, Cohen's Nails, in the hopes
that one day his son will take over. As time passes Mr Cohen starts
getting more and more worried, no matter what department the son is put
into he cannot get anything right and is continuously mucking everything
up.

After talking to some of his friends and business partners Mr Cohen
decides that maybe the reason his son is doing so badly is because he is
supervising him too closely so he decides to give him a task to do where
the son is in charge. The task is to handle the new advertising campaign.

The son is delighted and starts working really hard. The father is
delighted also as it looks like the idea will work. Time passes and the
son comes to Mr Cohen and takes him out to see the new billboard. It is in
a fantastic position, on the highway, thousands of cars passing it daily,
but Cohen almost has a heart attack when he sees it. There is a picture of
Jesus hanging on the cross, with the caption "Even back then they used
Cohen's nails."

After explaining to his son that many customers are not Jewish and would
find this offensive, the son promises to change the sign. Another frantic
month of activity and the son comes back to him and drives him out to see
the sign. The new sign has a picture of Jesus lying in a bundle at the
bottom of the cross with the caption "If they had used Cohen's nails, this
would not have happened!"

Drunk walks up to the host of a party and says, "'Scuse me, but do you have
green toilet paper that says, 'F*ck you?'"

The host looks disdainfully at the drunk and says, "No, I don't have green
toilet paper that says, 'F*ck you.'"

"Oh, then I'm terribly sorry," says the drunk, "but I think I just wiped
my ass with your parrot."

A wee woman from Glasgow's West End was staying in a hotel in
Edinburgh , she phoned room service for some pepper. 'Black pepper, or white
pepper?' asked the concierge.

'Toilet pepper!' yelled the woman

Scottish humour

Not original but couldn't resist passing it on.

What do you call a dwarf who falls into a cement mixer?
A wee hard man


Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow ?
They couldn't find a virgin or three wise men..


What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe ?
Wee Shooey.


What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe and can't
find his dog ?
Wee Shooey Douglas.


A guy walks into a GP's surgery.
'Doctor , Doctor! He cries , 'you've got to help me, I feel like I'm
turning into coconut'
Says the doctor, 'You're bountae....'


What did Dracula get when he came to Glasgow ?
A bat in the mouth.


There were three coos in a field. Which wan wis oan its hoalidays?
The wan wi a wee calf.


The man in the clothes shop insisting on a maroon jacket.
'Fur ma roon shooders'


Hear about the stupit skindiver?
He didny have a scuba.


Did you hear about the London criminal who fell foul of the Glasgow Mafia?
Apparently they made him an offer he couldn't understand.


What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a social worker ?
Ye can get yer wean back aff a Rottweiler


What do you call a Glasgow Sikh who enjoys karaoke ?
Gupty Singh

Why  do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.

The  Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like  Chinese food so much.
The study  revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish  view of when life begins.  In Jewish tradition,
the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American- Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes'.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole  officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale' s.

A man called his mother in Florida , "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've  been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said,  "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why  haven't you eaten in 38 days?
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks,
"What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a  speaking part."

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to  change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't  bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish  holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won..  Let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the  street and said,
"Lady, I  haven't eaten in three days."
"Force  yourself," she  replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because  Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20%  off.

I want to live my next life backwards!

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat. Then, you wake up in a
nursing home feeling better and stronger every day.

When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years
enjoying your retirement and collecting pension checks.

When you start work, you get a gold watch on your very first day. You work 40 years or
so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're just too young to work.

So then, you go to college: play sports, take chicks out, drink, and party till your
heart's content.

After that, you're at high school, become very popular because you are so mature,
and are an excellent athlete after your experience in school, and the first love is
not your first, so you know exactly how to handle yourself.

As you get even younger, you become a kid again.

You go to prep, play, and have no responsibilities.

In a few years, you become a baby and everyone in your life runs themselves ragged
trying to keep you happy.

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions:
central heating, room service on tap and not a care in the world.

Until finally........................You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she
said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil
spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone
that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box
full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell
enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a
Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for
free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws and,
while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later,
her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the
windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back
of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car.  He noticed that Linda's
eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was
okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and
had been holding her brains in for over an  hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors
were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on
the back of her head.  A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the
heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough
hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it
was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed
out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a
coincidence.

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly
bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It
had to be
deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she
whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She
told me that she wanted me just once before I got marrie d and committed my
life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one
last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight
to the
front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside,
all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We
are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked
for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.


This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years,
with him thinking
that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals
that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband at
home in a very drunken state.
Over the the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going
through a process of corporate downsizing,
and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another
position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning,
therefore they were facing financial ruin.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book that showed more than thirty years
of steady deposits and interest
and a balance of nearly $1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposit issued by the bank that were
worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors at the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for
sex, she had saved the money each time
and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded
he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my
business!"


That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Things I Learned in the South 

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple
no one’s seen before.

If it grows, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

“Jawl-P?” means “Did y’all go to the bathroom?”

People actually grow and eat okra.

Fixinto is one word. It means I’m fixing to do that.

There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two.
We do like a little tea with our sugar.

Bakards [backwards] and forards [forwards] means I know everything about you.

The word “jeet?” is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?”

You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work
until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.

You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

“No, D’ju?” is a common response to the question, “Did you bring any beer?”

You measure distance in minutes.

You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain,
insect, or animal.

You know what a DAWG is.

You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.

You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Tony’s, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require
6 pages for local high school sports, motor sports, and gossip.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit a mite warm.

You know all four seasons: Snow Bird Season, Love Bug Season, Summer, and Hurricane Season.

Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as “goin’ Wal-Martin’” or “off to
Wally World”.

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather.

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

This is for all my friends for whom grammar is still important:

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate
paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored
to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the
medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him,
and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must
be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that,
you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can
perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged.  As he walks away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop
the medicine from working?"  "Your partner must say  '1-2-3-4,' he responded.
"But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took
a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"  Immediately, he
was the manliest of men.  His wife was excited and began throwing off her
clothes.And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

For All You LEXOPHILES

13. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
21. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to
be an optical Aleutian.
23. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found
in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week and Jenny was the name of the horse
I betted on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man was watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even
bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!!'

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden,  God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything
going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking,
the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am
constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on
bushes. They're a real pain..'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs,
such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave
her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave
the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that
you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes  

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are
paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate
except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have
overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of
you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

A busy month for me and just when everything was going so well my health stepped in and
I had to stop at high speed or go to hospital for a drip and fluid balance etc.

I did a couple of Piano Selections which I find very relaxing to do when feeling below par.

So

Here are the midi-karaoke files:

Alabama_1908_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                      34 KB    03/06/2010
Alice_OGrady_1906_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                 20 KB    03/06/2010
Alma_1910_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                         15 KB    08/06/2010
Arab_Love_Song_1908_ks_JPP.kar                                                                               18 KB    09/06/2010
Arent_You_The_Girl_I_Met_At_Sherrys_1907_ks_JPP.kar                                                          21 KB    07/06/2010
At_Uncle_Toms_Cabin_Door_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                                                     26 KB    01/06/2010
Be_Sweet_To_Me_Kid_1907_ks_JPP.kar                                                                           22 KB    09/06/2010
Because_Im_Married_Now_1907_ks_JPP.kar                                                                       18 KB    09/06/2010
Billy_Baxters_Boogieman_1909_ks_JPP.kar                                                                      13 KB    09/06/2010
Blondy_1907_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                       22 KB    10/06/2010
By_The_Saskatchewan_1910_ks_JPP.kar                                                                          22 KB    10/06/2010
Central_Give_Me_New_York_Town_1908_ks_JPP.kar                                                                24 KB    16/06/2010
Chummy_Chum_Chum_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                                                             29 KB    23/06/2010
Come_After_Breakfast_1909_ks_JPP.kar                                                                         21 KB    10/06/2010
Come_Along_My_Mandy_1907_ks_JPP.kar                                                                          24 KB    09/06/2010
Do_Re_Mi_Fa_Sol_La_Si_Do_1906_ks_JPP.kar                                                                     20 KB    16/06/2010
Fan-San_1919_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                      28 KB    16/06/2010
Good_Advice_1906_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                  23 KB    03/06/2010
Harvardiana_1909_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                  17 KB    07/06/2010
Honey_On_Our_Honeymoon_1909_ks_JPP.kar                                                                       21 KB    13/06/2010
I_Dont_Like_A_Man_With_A_Mustache_1909_ks_JPP.kar                                                            20 KB    13/06/2010
I_Love_My_Steady_But_Im_Crazy_1910_Al_Jolson_ks_JPP.kar                                                      18 KB    12/06/2010
Im_Going_Crazy_1910_ks_JPP.kar                                                                               19 KB    11/06/2010
Im_Going_To_Exit_1906_ks_JPP.kar                                                                             20 KB    12/06/2010
Im_In_Love_With_One_Of_The_Stars_1909_ks_JPP.kar                                                             20 KB    03/06/2010
In_Mexico_1910_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                    22 KB    11/06/2010
Iola_1905_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                         14 KB    13/06/2010
Ive_Got_A_Date_With_A_Dream_1938_ks_JPP.kar                                                                  13 KB    03/06/2010
Ive_Got_The_Time_Ive_Got_The_Place_1910_ks_JPP.kar                                                           28 KB    02/06/2010
Karzan_1919_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                       22 KB    17/06/2010
Lucia_1906_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                        18 KB    12/06/2010
Mamselle_Sally_1906_ks_JPP.kar                                                                               24 KB    22/06/2010
Take_Good_Care_of_My_Baby_1961_Carole_King_ks_JPP.kar                                                         8 KB    13/06/2010
The_Big_Swamp_Bogie_Man_1907_ks_JPP.kar                                                                      19 KB    01/06/2010
The_Billiken_Man_1909_ks_JPP.kar                                                                             18 KB    07/06/2010
The_Gridiron_King_1906_ks_JPP.kar                                                                            15 KB    21/06/2010
The_Pretty_Tyrolese_1906_de_Koven_ks_JPP.kar                                                                 12 KB    11/06/2010

and here are the midi files:

Alabama_1908_s_JPP.MID                                                                                       28 KB    03/06/2010
Alice_OGrady_1906_s_JPP.MID                                                                                  16 KB    03/06/2010
Alma_1910_s_JPP.MID                                                                                          12 KB    08/06/2010
Arab_Love_Song_1908_s_JPP.MID                                                                                15 KB    08/06/2010
Arent_You_The_Girl_I_Met_At_Sherrys_1907_s_JPP.MID                                                           16 KB    07/06/2010
At_Uncle_Toms_Cabin_Door_1912_s_JPP.MID                                                                      22 KB    01/06/2010
Be_Sweet_To_Me_Kid_1907_s_JPP.MID                                                                            19 KB    09/06/2010
Because_Im_Married_Now_1907_s_JPP.MID                                                                        14 KB    09/06/2010
Billy_Baxters_Boogieman_1909_s_JPP.MID                                                                       10 KB    09/06/2010
Blondy_1907_s_JPP.MID                                                                                        18 KB    10/06/2010
By_The_Saskatchewan_1910_s_JPP.MID                                                                           18 KB    10/06/2010
Central_Give_Me_New_York_Town_1908_s_JPP.MID                                                                 21 KB    16/06/2010
Chummy_Chum_Chum_1912_s_JPP.MID                                                                              24 KB    23/06/2010
Come_After_Breakfast_1909_s_JPP.MID                                                                          17 KB    10/06/2010
Come_Along_My_Mandy_1907_s_JPP.MID                                                                           20 KB    09/06/2010
Danse_Des_Papillons_1912_s_JPP.MID                                                                            7 KB    22/06/2010
Do_Re_Mi_Fa_Sol_La_Si_Do_1906_s_JPP.MID                                                                      16 KB    16/06/2010
Fan-San_1919_s_JPP.MID                                                                                       23 KB    16/06/2010
Good_Advice_1906_s_JPP.MID                                                                                   19 KB    03/06/2010
Harvardiana_1909_s_JPP.MID                                                                                   16 KB    07/06/2010
Honey_On_Our_Honeymoon_1909_s_JPP.MID                                                                        17 KB    13/06/2010
I_Dont_Like_A_Man_With_A_Mustache_1909_s_JPP.MID                                                             16 KB    13/06/2010
I_Love_My_Steady_But_Im_Crazy_1910_Al_Jolson_s_JPP.MID                                                       15 KB    12/06/2010
Im_Going_Crazy_1910_s_JPP.MID                                                                                16 KB    11/06/2010
Im_Going_To_Exit_1906_s_JPP.MID                                                                              16 KB    12/06/2010
Im_In_Love_With_One_Of_The_Stars_1909_s_JPP.MID                                                              16 KB    03/06/2010
In_Mexico_1910_s_JPP.MID                                                                                     19 KB    11/06/2010
Iola_1905_s_JPP.MID                                                                                          12 KB    13/06/2010
Ive_Got_A_Date_With_A_Dream_1938_s_JPP.MID                                                                   11 KB    03/06/2010
Ive_Got_The_Time_Ive_Got_The_Place_1910_s_JPP.MID                                                            23 KB    02/06/2010
Karzan_1919_s_JPP.MID                                                                                        19 KB    17/06/2010
Lucia_1906_s_JPP.MID                                                                                         15 KB    12/06/2010
Mamselle_Sally_1906_s_JPP.MID                                                                                20 KB    22/06/2010
Nightingale_Rag_1915_s_JPP.MID                                                                               19 KB    16/06/2010
Take_Good_Care_of_My_Baby_1961_Carole_King_s_JPP.MID                                                          7 KB    13/06/2010
Talk_Of_The_Town_1919_s_JPP.MID                                                                              16 KB    17/06/2010
The_Big_Swamp_Bogie_Man_1907_s_JPP.MID                                                                       15 KB    01/06/2010
The_Billiken_Man_1909_s_JPP.MID                                                                              15 KB    07/06/2010
The_Cabaret_Girl_1922_Piano_Selection_Jerome_Kern_s_JPP.MID                                                  37 KB    24/06/2010
The_Gridiron_King_1906_s_JPP.MID                                                                             14 KB    21/06/2010
The_Pretty_Tyrolese_1906_de_Koven_s_JPP.MID                                                                  10 KB    11/06/2010
The_Telephone_Girl_1898_Piano_Selection_s_JPP.MID                                                            44 KB    28/06/2010

roll on July 2010!

A good month for me with rather fewer interruptions tha usual. And A happy day for me when
Rotary International gave me A Paul Harris Fellowship and I received a complementary membership
with the Guild of Pastoral Psychology; two organisations that have taken a lot of my time over
the previous months.

Here are the midi-karaokle files:


All_Aboard_For_Chinatown_1915_ks_JPP.kar                                                                     26 KB    13/05/2010
Allez-Vous-En_Go_Away_1953_Cole_Porter_ks_JPP.kar                                                             9 KB    02/05/2010
Arabian_Moon_1921_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                 23 KB    24/05/2010
At_Long_Last_Love_1937_Cole_Porter_ks_JPP.kar                                                                12 KB    01/05/2010
Beside_A_Babbling_Brook_1923_ks_JPP.kar                                                                      23 KB    23/05/2010
Beware_of_Pink_Pyjamas_1916_ks_JPP.kar                                                                       25 KB    13/05/2010
Bewitched_1941_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                    11 KB    29/05/2010
Birds_Of_A_Feather_1921_ks_JPP.kar                                                                           24 KB    23/05/2010
Born_And_Bred_In_Brooklyn_1923_ks_JPP.kar                                                                    20 KB    22/05/2010
Broadway_Is_My_Home_Sweet_Home_1915_ks_JPP.kar                                                               16 KB    16/05/2010
Can_Macy_Do_Without_Me_1921_Romberg_ks_JPP.kar                                                               11 KB    23/05/2010
Come_Over_To_Dover_1914_ks_JPP.kar                                                                           24 KB    20/05/2010
Cootie_Tickle_1919_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                20 KB    12/05/2010
Dancing_Neath_The_Irish_Moon_1915_ks_JPP.kar                                                                 24 KB    26/05/2010
Darling_1918_Romberg_ks_JPP.kar                                                                              15 KB    12/05/2010
De_Bogie_Man_1917_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                  9 KB    20/05/2010
Dear_Dixie_Girl_1915_ks_JPP.kar                                                                              23 KB    27/05/2010
Dixie_Rose_1913_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                   21 KB    19/05/2010
Do_I_Do_I_Do_I_Love_Her_1922_ks_JPP.kar                                                                      26 KB    24/05/2010
Dont_Forget_Your_Northern_Lad_When_You_Get_Back_To_Dixie_1910_ks_JPP.kar                                     23 KB    06/05/2010
Down_By_The_Erie_Canal_1915_ks_JPP.kar                                                                       23 KB    26/05/2010
Down_By_The_Seaside_1914_ks_JPP.kar                                                                          31 KB    26/05/2010
Down_Georgia_Way_1913_ks_JPP.kar                                                                             25 KB    28/05/2010
Down_In_Bom-Bombay_1915_ks_JPP.kar                                                                           28 KB    07/05/2010
Down_In_Hindustan_1917_ks_JPP.kar                                                                            22 KB    07/05/2010
Down_On_The_Levee_1914_ks_JPP.kar                                                                            18 KB    07/05/2010
Dream_On_Dreamy_Eyes_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                                                         14 KB    27/05/2010
Every_Chicken_Likes_Style_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                                                    20 KB    29/05/2010
Everyone_In_Town_Likes_Mary_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                                                  26 KB    29/05/2010
Excuse_Me_Boss_I_Thought_It_Was_Mine_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                                         20 KB    30/05/2010
Fifty-Fifty_1914_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                  23 KB    30/05/2010
Florabella_1916_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                   23 KB    30/05/2010
Gee_It_Must_Be_Tough_To_Be_A_Rich_Mans_Kid_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                                   18 KB    16/05/2010
Gypsy_Song_1917_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                   16 KB    31/05/2010
Hear_That_Steamboat_Whistle_Blowing_1913_ks_JPP.kar                                                          25 KB    17/05/2010
Heinze_1909_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                       20 KB    28/05/2010
Hes_Living_The_Life_Of_Reilly_1917_ks_JPP.kar                                                                21 KB    20/05/2010
Hicki_Hoy_1915_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                    25 KB    31/05/2010
Honey_Sal_1911_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                    22 KB    09/05/2010
I_Aint_Going_To_Mat-A-Loo-Loo_1914_ks_JPP.kar                                                                18 KB    09/05/2010
I_Am_In_Love_1952_Cole_Porter_ks_JPP.kar                                                                     12 KB    01/05/2010
I_Dont_Have_To_Go_See_A_Gypsy_1916_ks_JPP.kar                                                                19 KB    10/05/2010
I_Dont_Want_To_Play_In_Your_Yard_1894_ks_JPP.kar                                                             19 KB    09/05/2010
I_Love_Her_1913_Al_Jolson_ks_JPP.kar                                                                         26 KB    31/05/2010
I_Love_The_Name_Of_Dixie_1915_ks_JPP.kar                                                                     26 KB    08/05/2010
I_Will_1962_Billy_Fury_ks_JPP.kar                                                                            11 KB    02/05/2010
Id_Rather_Have_Folks_Say_1910_ks_JPP.kar                                                                     24 KB    09/05/2010
Ill_Be_Welcome_In_My_Home_Town_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                                               28 KB    10/05/2010
Im_A_Tryin_To_Teach_My_Sweet_Papa_Right_From_Wrong_1918_ks_JPP.kar                                           29 KB    11/05/2010
In_Dear_Hawaii_1908_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                6 KB    29/05/2010
In_The_Still_Of_The_Night_1937_Cole_Porter_ks_JPP.kar                                                        15 KB    02/05/2010
Ive_Got_A_Lovely_Bunch_of_Cocoanuts_1944_ks_JPP.kar                                                          14 KB    29/05/2010
Ive_Got_Your_Number_1910_ks_JPP.kar                                                                          19 KB    31/05/2010
Make_Someone_Happy_1960_ks_JPP.kar                                                                           15 KB    29/05/2010
My_Mans_Gone_Now_1935_George_Gershwin_ks_JPP.kar                                                             11 KB    01/05/2010
Nobody_Lied_1922_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                  32 KB    05/05/2010
Red_Wing_1907_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                     16 KB    14/05/2010
Rita_Marguerita_1912_ks_JPP.kar                                                                              13 KB    31/05/2010
Rosalie_1937_Cole_Porter_ks_JPP.kar                                                                          12 KB    01/05/2010
Sahara_1919_Frederick_Bowers_ks_JPP.kar                                                                      22 KB    06/05/2010
Sparkling_Wine_1922_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                7 KB    05/05/2010
Sweet_Daddy_1917_ks_JPP.kar                                                                                  23 KB    14/05/2010
The_Futurist_Twirl_1913_ks_JPP.kar                                                                           25 KB    30/05/2010
Too_Darned_Hot_1949_Cole_Porter_ks_JPP.kar                                                                   13 KB    02/05/2010
True_Love_Ways_1958_ks_JPP.kar                                                                               11 KB    04/05/2010
Twas_Only_An_Irishmans_Dream_1916_ks_JPP.kar                                                                 22 KB    16/05/2010

and here are the midi files:

All_Aboard_For_Chinatown_1915_s_JPP.MID                                                                      22 KB    13/05/2010
Allez-Vous-En_Go_Away_1953_Cole_Porter_s_JPP.MID                                                              7 KB    02/05/2010
Arabian_Moon_1921_s_JPP.MID                                                                                  20 KB    24/05/2010
At_Long_Last_Love_1937_Cole_Porter_s_JPP.MID                                                                 10 KB    01/05/2010
Beside_A_Babbling_Brook_1923_s_JPP.MID                                                                       19 KB    23/05/2010
Beware_of_Pink_Pyjamas_1916_s_JPP.MID                                                                        21 KB    13/05/2010
Bewitched_1941_s_JPP.MID                                                                                      9 KB    29/05/2010
Birds_Of_A_Feather_1921_s_JPP.MID                                                                            21 KB    23/05/2010
Bolivar_1906_s_JPP.MID                                                                                       11 KB    17/05/2010
Born_And_Bred_In_Brooklyn_1923_s_JPP.MID                                                                     17 KB    22/05/2010
Broadway_Is_My_Home_Sweet_Home_1915_s_JPP.MID                                                                13 KB    16/05/2010
Buck_Shots_1924_s_JPP.MID                                                                                    22 KB    17/05/2010
Camp_Custer_1917_s_JPP.MID                                                                                   20 KB    06/05/2010
Can_Macy_Do_Without_Me_1921_Romberg_s_JPP.MID                                                                 9 KB    23/05/2010
Colonel_Bogey_1914_Vs3_s_JPP.MID                                                                             18 KB    21/05/2010
Come_Over_To_Dover_1914_s_JPP.MID                                                                            20 KB    20/05/2010
Cootie_Tickle_1919_s_JPP.MID                                                                                 16 KB    12/05/2010
Dancing_Neath_The_Irish_Moon_1915_s_JPP.MID                                                                  20 KB    26/05/2010
Darling_1918_Romberg_s_JPP.MID                                                                               13 KB    12/05/2010
De_Bogie_Man_1917_s_JPP.MID                                                                                   8 KB    20/05/2010
Dear_Dixie_Girl_1915_s_JPP.MID                                                                               19 KB    27/05/2010
Dixie_Rose_1913_s_JPP.MID                                                                                    17 KB    19/05/2010
Do_I_Do_I_Do_I_Love_Her_1922_s_JPP.MID                                                                       21 KB    24/05/2010
Dont_Forget_Your_Northern_Lad_When_You_Get_Back_To_Dixie_1910_s_JPP.MID                                      19 KB    06/05/2010
Down_By_The_Erie_Canal_1915_s_JPP.MID                                                                        18 KB    26/05/2010
Down_By_The_Seaside_1914_s_JPP.MID                                                                           27 KB    26/05/2010
Down_Georgia_Way_1913_s_JPP.MID                                                                              20 KB    28/05/2010
Down_In_Bom-Bombay_1915_s_JPP.MID                                                                            25 KB    07/05/2010
Down_In_Hindustan_1917_s_JPP.MID                                                                             19 KB    07/05/2010
Down_On_The_Levee_1914_s_JPP.MID                                                                             15 KB    07/05/2010
Dream_On_Dreamy_Eyes_1912_s_JPP.MID                                                                          12 KB    27/05/2010
Eugenia_1973_Scott_Joplin.MID                                                                                19 KB    04/05/2010
Every_Chicken_Likes_Style_1912_s_JPP.MID                                                                     17 KB    29/05/2010
Everyone_In_Town_Likes_Mary_1912_s_JPP.MID                                                                   22 KB    29/05/2010
Excuse_Me_Boss_I_Thought_It_Was_Mine_1912_s_JPP.MID                                                          16 KB    30/05/2010
Fifty-Fifty_1914_s_JPP.MID                                                                                   19 KB    30/05/2010
Florabella_1916_s_JPP.MID                                                                                    19 KB    30/05/2010
Gee_It_Must_Be_Tough_To_Be_A_Rich_Mans_Kid_1912_s_JPP.MID                                                    14 KB    16/05/2010
Gypsy_Song_1917_s_JPP.MID                                                                                    13 KB    31/05/2010
Hear_That_Steamboat_Whistle_Blowing_1913_s_JPP.MID                                                           22 KB    17/05/2010
Heinze_1909_s_JPP.MID                                                                                        16 KB    28/05/2010
Hes_Living_The_Life_Of_Reilly_1917_s_JPP.MID                                                                 17 KB    20/05/2010
Hicki_Hoy_1915_s_JPP.MID                                                                                     20 KB    31/05/2010
Honey_Sal_1911_s_JPP.MID                                                                                     18 KB    09/05/2010
Hot_Air_1900_s_JPP.MID                                                                                       18 KB    20/05/2010
I_Aint_Going_To_Mat-A-Loo-Loo_1914_s_JPP.MID                                                                 15 KB    09/05/2010
I_Am_In_Love_1952_Cole_Porter_s_JPP.MID                                                                      11 KB    01/05/2010
I_Dont_Have_To_Go_See_A_Gypsy_1916_s_JPP.MID                                                                 15 KB    10/05/2010
I_Dont_Want_To_Play_In_Your_Yard_1894_s_JPP.MID                                                              15 KB    09/05/2010
I_Love_Her_1913_Al_Jolson_s_JPP.MID                                                                          22 KB    31/05/2010
I_Love_The_Name_Of_Dixie_1915_s_JPP.MID                                                                      23 KB    08/05/2010
I_Will_1962_Billy_Fury_s_JPP.MID                                                                              9 KB    02/05/2010
Id_Rather_Have_Folks_Say_1910_s_JPP.MID                                                                      20 KB    09/05/2010
Ill_Be_Welcome_In_My_Home_Town_1912_s_JPP.MID                                                                24 KB    10/05/2010
Im_A_Tryin_To_Teach_My_Sweet_Papa_Right_From_Wrong_1918_s_JPP.MID                                            24 KB    11/05/2010
In_Dear_Hawaii_1908_s_JPP.MID                                                                                 5 KB    29/05/2010
In_The_Still_Of_The_Night_1937_Cole_Porter_s_JPP.MID                                                         13 KB    02/05/2010
Ive_Got_A_Lovely_Bunch_of_Cocoanuts_1944_s_JPP.MID                                                           11 KB    29/05/2010
Ive_Got_Your_Number_1910_s_JPP.MID                                                                           15 KB    31/05/2010
Make_Someone_Happy_1960_s_JPP.MID                                                                            12 KB    29/05/2010
My_Mans_Gone_Now_1935_George_Gershwin_s_JPP.MID                                                              10 KB    01/05/2010
Nobody_Lied_1922_s_JPP.MID                                                                                   28 KB    05/05/2010
Palm_Leaf_Rag_1903_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                                    14 KB    03/05/2010
Rag-Time_Dance_1902_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                                   16 KB    03/05/2010
Red_Wing_1907_s_JPP.MID                                                                                      14 KB    14/05/2010
Rita_Marguerita_1912_s_JPP.MID                                                                               11 KB    31/05/2010
Rosalie_1937_Cole_Porter_s_JPP.MID                                                                           10 KB    01/05/2010
Sahara_1919_Frederick_Bowers_s_JPP.MID                                                                       19 KB    06/05/2010
Something_Doing_1903_Scott_Joplin_s_JPP.MID                                                                  16 KB    03/05/2010
Sparkling_Wine_1922_s_JPP.MID                                                                                 6 KB    05/05/2010
Sweet_Daddy_1917_s_JPP.MID                                                                                   20 KB    14/05/2010
The_Futurist_Twirl_1913_s_JPP.MID                                                                            21 KB    30/05/2010
Too_Darned_Hot_1949_Cole_Porter_s_JPP.MID                                                                    11 KB    02/05/2010
True_Love_Ways_1958_s_JPP.MID                                                                                 9 KB    04/05/2010
Twas_Only_An_Irishmans_Dream_1916_s_JPP.MID                                                                  18 KB    16/05/2010

roll on June 2010

Since that post my ISP has twiddled a knob and I now have more band width!

James :-)

Since that post my ISP has twiddled a knob and I now have more band width!

James :-)

Dear Everybody

I don't know why my site is so popular with you all but I am out of bandwidth after only 7 days!

Comments please if you can get in...

James :-)

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday.
I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on...
You don't even  know the way to the Post Office!"

NOMINATED THE BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR

A Russian arrives in  New York City as a new
immigrant to the  United States. He stops the
first person he sees walking down the street and
says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into
this country,  giving me housing, food stamps,
free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a
Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another
passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful
country here in America ."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next
person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and
says, "Thank you for a wonderful  America !

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from
Middle East.  I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an
American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa ."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says,
"Probably at work."

Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to a 
Rugby match at the World Cup in England.  At the station, the
three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maori's
buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?"
asks one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn  bro," answers one
of the Maori's

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective
seats but all three Maori's cram into a toilet and close the
door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes
around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says,
"Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So
after the game, they decide to copy the Maori's on the return
trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the Maori's  don't buy a ticket at
all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Aussie.

"Watch and learn  bro," answers a Maori ..

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Maori's cram into another nearby.  The train
departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Maori's leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the
door and says, "Ticket please."

A famous heart doctor goes to give a lecture to a group of physicians
from out of town. As he going to the auditorium there he says to his
driver, “Ya know Jim, I really feel like the crap today, I wish I
could get out of giving this lecture and just sit and rest.”

Now Jim had been this doctor’s chauffeur for 10 years, and he had a
great relationship with the doctor. He say, “Hey doc… I could give the
lecture for you.”

The doctor chuckles and says, “Jim, I like you and everything and
you’re a great guy, but in all honesty, you don’t really know about
what I do.”

Jim responds, “You’re right, but I’ve been watching you give this
lecture for the last ten years, I have the thing memorized: I could
give it in my sleep! Plus, the doctors coming today are all from out
of town, they have no idea what you look like, so they would have no
idea I wasn’t you.”

The doctor really feels like shit, so he sits back, thinks for a
second, and says, “What the hell, I trust you, let’s do it.” So they
pull over to the side of the road, change outfits, and the doctor
drives the rest of the way to the lecture hall.

When they get there, a hundred prominent heart surgeons are sitting in
the auditorium, waiting for the lecture to start. The driver walks up
to the podium in the front, and the doctor sits in the back with the
driver’s hat on and looks around the room and thinks, “Oh god, what
have it done! All of these doctors are famous and could squash my
career if this lecture goes badly.” The driver gets to the podium,
coughs, looks around the room… and proceeds to give the lecture
absolutely PERFECTLY! He hits every major point in the lecture, talks
with eloquence and grace, and in general, gives the talk even better
than the doctor ever did.

The doctor breathes a huge sigh of relief and then lays back in his
chair and relaxes for the rest of the lecture. But then, as the
lecture finishes and the lights go back up, a lump catches in the
doctor’s throat as he realizes one thing: he had scheduled this
lecture with a question and answer session afterwards!

Among the visiting doctors, a couple of hands go up, and the doctor
looks on in horror as the driver picks the hand of the most prominent
heart surgeon in the entire country. He proceeds to ask the most
complicated, detailed, mind-bogglingly complex question the doctor had
ever heard after any lecture ever, and the room goes silent to see the
how the famous heart doctor will respond.

The driver looks down and is silent for a moment. The doctor sitting
in the back is petrified with fear; he knows there is absolutely no
way the driver could possibly know the answer to this question: his
career as a lecturer is over!

And then the driver looks at the surgeon that asked the question,
points to the back of the room, and says, “Sir, That question is so
ridiculously easy, I’m going to let my driver answer it.”

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler.
One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful
on a hot summer evening?"


The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable
buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."


"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and
headed for the check-out.


The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack
of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package
of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."

The Coat Hanger

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with
a fever.  She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.

She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.  She didn't know
what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told
her that the fever was getting worse.  She said, 'You might find a coat hanger and use that to
open the door.'

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground,
possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car.  She looked at
the hanger and said, 'I don't know how to use this.'

She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat-up old motorcycle
pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought,  'This is what you sent to help me?' But, she was desperate, so she was also
very thankful
.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.  She  said, 'Yes, my daughter is very
sick.  I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car.  I must get home
to her.  Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car? He said, 'Sure.'

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.   She hugged the man
and through her tears she said, 'Thank you so much! You're a very nice man.'

The man replied, 'Lady, I'm not a nice man.  I just got out of prison today.  I was in prison
for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.'

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out  loud, 'Oh, Thank you God!
You even sent me a professional!'

THINGS I DIDN'T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL


1.           The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2.           Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
3.           No meal is complete without leftovers.
4.           According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5.           A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
6.           You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
7.           One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8.           After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstroms.
9.           Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand  times.
10.     Never take a  front row seat at a Bris.
11.     Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
12.     Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
13.     Spring ahead; fall back - winters in Boca.
14.     WASP's leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.
15.     Always whisper the names of diseases.
16.     If it tastes  good, it's probably not kosher.
17.     The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended
18.     Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
19.     If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to  tell everybody what you paid.
20.     Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida